Saturday, October 14, 2006

Is this a good piece of writing (I'm 13)?

Heart thumping rapidly and cold beads of sweat lining my forehead, I tripped over broken bottles and jars, my bare feet making no sound as I ran. It was all I could do to stop myself screaming out in pain; blood soaked my clothes as many cuts and burns tore away at my skin, shredding my soul as well as my body. My hair hung limply by my face – concealing my emotions and thoughts – the rain had made it clump together in uneven whips of painful images that stung my face as I headed towards my goal. My legs were bruised and battered, moving them was becoming strained – unnatural – I was living off adrenaline alone, my usual swift running actions replaced by animatronics, barely taking my weight. I whimpered pitifully as a new shot of pain raced through me, consuming me with tendrils of darkness; seeping into my consciousness. The wind and rain pierced my lips and tongue as I ran panting like a dog; the harsh weathers of a forbidden life thundered at my feet.
Others were running to, the narrow alleyways echoed with the silent cacophony of escape. Their screams pained my ears slicing my mind and thoughts into vivid memories – pain, desperation, sorrow and loss. Children’s eyes open in fright, white faced and rigid with fear. Cuts and incisions over their bodies, limbs barely attached and their once clean clothes red with the blood of everything they had ever known. Bodies contorted and dishevelled, hair full of bugs feasting on their flesh and sanity consuming their human instincts, love and happiest memories. Dark gothic circles encased their shining eyes, their longing cries haunted me the most, I couldn’t help them.
The images weren’t just of people they were of places. Peoples homes looked lost without an occupant – the peeling paint and broken gutters were far more prominent and doors hung off their hinges swinging in the dawn of early death. Fires swamped trees and a thick smoke veil covered the place. Each flame held a new life taken and each smoke puff that erupted from them killed another. Riots broke out everywhere, those left with any heart struggled to fight off those taken over. Many people fought for their lives as the “virus” caused many of their organs to come spewing out of their already blood crusted mouths.
I stumbled as a new carpet of flames grazed my heals, I barely managed to stay ahead of them, every step threatening to be my last. The screams that had been with the same intentions as me had subsided and I could only believe they too had been taken captive by the thing.
The flames from the fires drew nearer, their icy breath burning and destroying my life. A few vexatious steps later I was engulfed in ribbons of pure sin and corruption; a blanket of hell. Each breath of smoke I felt more agony and more torment than I felt was humanly possible as the essence of my soul was hacked brutally from my body. I crossed the border of the hell, legs still moving but me no longer feeling. The fires around me retreated – barred by the invisible barrier that kept out substances from No-Man’s-Land.

Answer on Is this a good piece of writing (I'm 13)?

Triple,

Yes, it is. Get rid of the hyphens though and replace them with either a comma or period. Only use the semi-colon ( ; ) as a second thought in the same sentence. Example:

I ran and ran, but felt as though I was getting nowhere; it never occurred to me to hide.

See? Same sentence but different thought. Nice job.

PJ M